Space

I need time to myself. I haven’t had a moment to myself in almost two weeks. I love you, but fuck this wasn’t the best idea. I need a moments peace and then I want my own time with just me, my books, and my crochet needles. AND THEN SOME TIME WITH MY SISTER BECAUSE OMYGOD. I just want us all to be happy and healthy again. The more I think about it the more I realize that I’ve been sad and anxiety ridden for as long as I can remember. I just never recognized or acknowledged it I guess? Or I’m crazy and over thinking all of it. Fuck if I know. Which is partly why I’m so scared to go to the doctor for it. What if they blow me off? What if how I feel is completely normal and I’m stuck like this? I think that’s what I’m most afraid for. I feel so abnormal and foggy most of the time but what if it is normal, what if it isn’t something that can or needs to be fixed? What if I’m just not a driven or passionate person? What if I just don’t care? That isn’t a way I want to live. If I have to live like that, I’m not sure I want to live at all. 

Self destructive bitch

What are you doing to yourself? You know being alone makes you sad; yet, you crave it. You plan out time to be alone. Yes, in small doses it’s good. But what are you doing? You’re literally planning a month long period where you’ll be alone and know absolutely no one. Are you trying to destroy yourself? Make yourself miserable? Do you want to get to that ledge again, do you?? 

Now…Let’s look at this through those rose tinted glasses of positivity that you like to wear.

Maybe this is all to make yourself become more social and more comfortable in social situations. Maybe you just want to meet new people and try to expand your friend base because, let’s be honest, you don’t have very many and you can’t expect the few you do have to always be there. They have lives and they don’t want to spend all of their time with you. You need to find more people that you’re comfortable with and you need to be happy with just yourself, as well. You’re not such bad company to keep. So keep up that sassy sense of humor and let’s get through this. This, at the very least, being the last 3 weeks. You can do it.

Daddy issues–Aww…I’m a stereotype.

My dad texted me last night. He said he was sorry, yet again and he said the he wants to fix what we have. I want that so badly. I want to be able to be one of those girls who’s proud to have a great relationship with her dad and who can go to him for comfort. He was just a source of so much hurt and pain for so long. I never realized it, but the way my dad talked to me when I was a pre-teen/teen resulted in my anxiety, low self worth, and ultimately depression. Now it’s not entirely his fault, because I could have worked on our relationship as well; but I was the hormonal teenager and he was the grown adult. He should have been the one to diffuse arguments, not escalate them by coming back at me with insults twice as bad. He made me feel like I’d never be good enough. Like I was too mean, weird, and awful of a person for anyone to want to be my friend. That’s not what dads are supposed to do. They’re supposed to lift you up and make you feel like you can conquer the world. 

My daddy did that. Until I grew up and he didn’t.  

My own personal little rain cloud

I’ll never understand why my insecurities must follow me everywhere. In everything that I do. I’m constantly questioning myself. I wish I was only insecure about my appearance. But no, I’m one of those lucky bastards who gets to feel insecure 95% of the time of 100% of herself. 

Why would someone want to be my friend? I’m not particularly interesting or funny or nice or anything. I’m nothing special. And yet I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. I really don’t have very many, and when the few that I do have are busy, I feel very very sad and alone. Essentially, I’m waiting for the day that they’ll all leave me. They’re too good for me and everyone else has left at one point or another so why not them too? 

However my two best friends in the entire world are kindof the only reason I’m still a successful member of society. I don’t know how they do it, but they can always bring me back out when I’m swallowed up by my little friend up there^ 

I’m always so scared that they’re going to leave me. Everyone else has. I don’t think I could handle it if that happened. 

Just….I’d fall a part and I feel  pathetic for relying so heavily on these people but I can’t help it. 

So this is to you lovely ladies. Please, never leave me. I know that sounds clingy, and I kinda feel like a bother or dead weight sometimes…but I need you. 

 

Oh tumblr. bby<3

“You know. I don’t give myself enough credit. I’m pretty fricken great. I’m kinda adorable and my hair is pretty and I’m funny and silly and smart when I wanna be and -on a fair amount of medicine so maybe crazy- I’m just kinda great ok

Edit- Because who cares if I don’t have sharp angled facial features or a perfect body or if I have peach fuzz where I’d rather I didn’t. Who cares? I’m soft and round and adorable and anyone who disagrees can just go eat some dirt because I’m great. 

OOO maybe this confidence thing will last till tomorrow.”

I posted this on tumblr while I was doped up on NyQuil and possibly chamomile tea….and not doing my homework…oops. 

But you know what? This is the mindset I need to hold. This. Right here. Because I did a photo shoot with my friend for our good friend who is a photography major yesterday and it was a lot of fun! The pictures showed me at some of my less than flattering angles but they’re still good. I need to start appreciating what I do have as opposed to what I don’t and may never have. 

All my monsters coming out to get me.

I’m on this crazy emotional roller coaster and I don’t think there’s any stop in sight.

Most of the time I want to eat everything that’s in front of me and never stop. I just want to binge until I can’t anymore. The only thing that really stops me is how much I hate throwing up. I loathe the idea and how it makes me feel, so I don’t. Instead, I try to watch what I’m eating and avoid mirrors like the plague when I’m feeling bloated. If I even catch site of my tummy popping out more than usual, my mind takes that and twists the image into me plus an extra 50 pounds. I’m not a large person, that’s a lot of weight to see. It makes me cry. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate myself for hating myself just because of my weight. 

But then I step back and think, “Don’t be silly. You hate yourself for much more than that.” Like what? “Like your lack of motivation. How you have no idea which direction you should be going in so you’re just doing what your mom says will be best for you in hopes of being happy. Or how about how you can’t help your friends feel better? They’re just as depressed, if not more so, than you are. Why can’t you help them? Why are you so useless? Oh and this one’s my favorite. It makes you seem the MOST pathetic:) How about the fact that you fret so much about guys? Oh boo hoo why am I so alone. Why do they always leave what am I doing wrong? You’re so pathetic. It’s disgusting. Be happy on your own. Look at this list, that’s why. Also, you’re not very attractive and you don’t have much self confidence. Guys don’t like that.” 

These are the things I think to myself. I’m drowning in these thoughts, anyone care to dig me out? Because even when I find a way, I’m sucked back down. 

I’m turning this around. Now.

I scratched my leg up real bad today. I never thought I’d actually go there. But I stopped myself when I got to the scissors. The sharp end of a tube of super glue was fine though. Except it wasn’t. That shouldn’t have felt so comforting. I need to pull myself out of this. I will. 

My wife (aka one of my best friends) and I have decided that we’re going to be more positive and make ourselves be happier. We’ve planned to make lists of things that make us happy and give ourselves one thing a week to look forward to. We’re stopping this negative talk and we’re going to be happy. We got this. 

God, I hope we do. 

Wish us luck. 

I like change

Do you ever wish the world would just swallow you up? 

You’re so lost and confused but you really just don’t have the drive to do anything?

I’ll let you in on a little secret. 

Sometimes I just want out. 

I don’t want to kill myself, no, I’m too much of a coward for that. But if a bus was coming straight for me, I’m really not sure how hard I’d work to stay out of its way. I just don’t know what makes me happy anymore and I’m really not sure how to figure it out. I don’t even want to. I know there is a lot left for me in life and it has things to offer, but what if I get to those things and I’m still not happy? What if I hate college and wish I didn’t have to be here in order to make a decent living? 

It’s really only a matter of time before I can’t rationalize my way out of hurting myself. 

So very close

I was almost happy. Almost. 

It’s always an almost. 

I’m not sure that happy is a thing that is meant for me. Any ioda of happiness I get is there for a minute and then I get to watch it crash and burn. 

I knew it was going to wreck as soon as I found out you were talking to her again. I knew it. They’re just friends. They said. I promise, you don’t have to worry about her. You said. Yea? Well you all lied and now I’m hurt, sad, broken and pathetic all fucking over again. 

When will it be my turn?

I’m drowning in my own mind and I can’t find a life raft.

I’ve almost burst into tears so many times today. So. Many. Times. I wish I could. I feel like I desperately need to cry. I just can’t.