I spend the majority of my time wishing I was someone else. One of my friends or just someone else. Someone happy and full of passion and drive for what they love. Someone who knows who they are and what they love. Someone happy. But unfortunately enough, I’m stuck being me and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change that. So I just have to ride out this life and see how long ’till I break because I’m pretty sure I’ve already broken a few times and I don’t really want to go through that again. Which makes me feel so so pathetic because I’ve seen, firsthand, how bad the things I have can get. Why am I crumbling under this? It should be so easy for me to be happy. The strength I’ve seen around me is astounding.
-Turning this post around-
But you know what? If other people can be that strong, so can I! I can do it. I can be happy and I can love life. I got this!
And in a way, my eating disorder, anxiety and depression tell me what to do. They tell me how I need to be feeling and what to do in order to feel good. I need to eat less. I need to be thin. I’m too fat so I need to be thin and then I’ll feel beter about myself and won’t be so depressed. I won’t feel so much anxiety about talking to people because they’ll like me if I’m thin. They won’t notice my awful, awkward personality if I’m thin, right? WRONG. No matter what weight I’m at, I’m still the same person. I need to learn to love myself.
I hate that these things have so much control over me. I NEED to have my own control over me.
I scratched my leg up real bad today. I never thought I’d actually go there. But I stopped myself when I got to the scissors. The sharp end of a tube of super glue was fine though. Except it wasn’t. That shouldn’t have felt so comforting. I need to pull myself out of this. I will.
My wife (aka one of my best friends) and I have decided that we’re going to be more positive and make ourselves be happier. We’ve planned to make lists of things that make us happy and give ourselves one thing a week to look forward to. We’re stopping this negative talk and we’re going to be happy. We got this.
God, I hope we do.
Wish us luck.
I figure, my first two posts were all about my mental state and how I’m all over the map with it so why not post something a little more upbeat. Tomorrow I head back up north to finish off the semester which unfortunately means leaving behind my family (including my sister by heart but not blood). I’m hoping, with everything that I have, that this support group she’s found will help her through everything. Sometimes I just feel so helpless but I know that being around each other is good for both of us which is why leaving is so hard. I love my sister and who knows where I would be without her. BUT we’ll be reunited again in a few months:) Plus sides to going back! I miss my wife (school best friend) and I can’t wait to catch up about all the break happenings. Fingers crossed break was good to her. She can’t seem to catch a break and it’s wearing her down. I can’t really help much and sometimes I think she avoids telling me things for fear of triggering me. I hate to think that because all I want is to be able to help those who’ve helped me and probably saved my life a time or two. Okay, I promised this wouldn’t be as depressing…but it’s my life so what do you want from me?:P Most important up side to going back is thaaaat I get to see my weirdo tomorrow afternoon:) It’s only been a few weeks, but he’s so good for me. Yes, we’ve already had a few roller coasters due to his lack of knowledge about how I respond to things and my less than understanding of his communication style, but what’s most important is that we’re working on it. I’ve fallen hard for this kid and I really think he’s going to catch me. I feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him that it scares me. Normally, opening up that much makes me feel like they could turn any minute and use it against me. With him, I just feel like he wants to help. I love feeling wanted and cared about. He’s helped me to realize that I really do deserve to be treated well and to be happy. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m so happy to have met him and to have been able to learn so much about myself. So, to him, thank you<3
Someone I know follows my tumblr. My twitter. My facebook. I don’t really have anywhere I can be completely honest. Well, other than my other tumblr, but that was from a dark time in my life and is full of triggers. So if I know you in real life and you don’t have permission to be here, please leave. Who knows how often I’ll actually use this, but I’m always up for something new.