I’m on this crazy emotional roller coaster and I don’t think there’s any stop in sight.
Most of the time I want to eat everything that’s in front of me and never stop. I just want to binge until I can’t anymore. The only thing that really stops me is how much I hate throwing up. I loathe the idea and how it makes me feel, so I don’t. Instead, I try to watch what I’m eating and avoid mirrors like the plague when I’m feeling bloated. If I even catch site of my tummy popping out more than usual, my mind takes that and twists the image into me plus an extra 50 pounds. I’m not a large person, that’s a lot of weight to see. It makes me cry. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate myself for hating myself just because of my weight.
But then I step back and think, “Don’t be silly. You hate yourself for much more than that.” Like what? “Like your lack of motivation. How you have no idea which direction you should be going in so you’re just doing what your mom says will be best for you in hopes of being happy. Or how about how you can’t help your friends feel better? They’re just as depressed, if not more so, than you are. Why can’t you help them? Why are you so useless? Oh and this one’s my favorite. It makes you seem the MOST pathetic:) How about the fact that you fret so much about guys? Oh boo hoo why am I so alone. Why do they always leave what am I doing wrong? You’re so pathetic. It’s disgusting. Be happy on your own. Look at this list, that’s why. Also, you’re not very attractive and you don’t have much self confidence. Guys don’t like that.”
These are the things I think to myself. I’m drowning in these thoughts, anyone care to dig me out? Because even when I find a way, I’m sucked back down.