I figure, my first two posts were all about my mental state and how I’m all over the map with it so why not post something a little more upbeat. Tomorrow I head back up north to finish off the semester which unfortunately means leaving behind my family (including my sister by heart but not blood). I’m hoping, with everything that I have, that this support group she’s found will help her through everything. Sometimes I just feel so helpless but I know that being around each other is good for both of us which is why leaving is so hard. I love my sister and who knows where I would be without her. BUT we’ll be reunited again in a few months:) Plus sides to going back! I miss my wife (school best friend) and I can’t wait to catch up about all the break happenings. Fingers crossed break was good to her. She can’t seem to catch a break and it’s wearing her down. I can’t really help much and sometimes I think she avoids telling me things for fear of triggering me. I hate to think that because all I want is to be able to help those who’ve helped me and probably saved my life a time or two. Okay, I promised this wouldn’t be as depressing…but it’s my life so what do you want from me?:P Most important up side to going back is thaaaat I get to see my weirdo tomorrow afternoon:) It’s only been a few weeks, but he’s so good for me. Yes, we’ve already had a few roller coasters due to his lack of knowledge about how I respond to things and my less than understanding of his communication style, but what’s most important is that we’re working on it. I’ve fallen hard for this kid and I really think he’s going to catch me. I feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him that it scares me. Normally, opening up that much makes me feel like they could turn any minute and use it against me. With him, I just feel like he wants to help. I love feeling wanted and cared about. He’s helped me to realize that I really do deserve to be treated well and to be happy. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m so happy to have met him and to have been able to learn so much about myself. So, to him, thank you<3
If this relationship is going to work, I need honesty, clarity, understanding, compassion and a whole lot of reassurance that you care. I realize I’m a lot more work than most girls…but I’m worth it. I’m recovering from depression, anxiety and an eating disorder so yes I’m going to need a lot from you, and I understand if you can’t give me that much, but if you try I promise I’ll give you just the same from myself. I throw my whole self into a relationship when I feel that it has true potential. I feel like we do. We have such a wonderful connection and I feel so comfortable and open with you and that just doesn’t happen. I’ve recently realized that I really do deserve to be cared for and to be happy. I’m so much more than I was giving myself credit for. So if you can’t be what I need you to be, I’ll recognize that and you’ll have to go. But for now, I’m willing to try if you are…<3
Someone I know follows my tumblr. My twitter. My facebook. I don’t really have anywhere I can be completely honest. Well, other than my other tumblr, but that was from a dark time in my life and is full of triggers. So if I know you in real life and you don’t have permission to be here, please leave. Who knows how often I’ll actually use this, but I’m always up for something new.